No longer just an idealitic dream

Describe yourself in one word: talkative

It is the most used adjective to describe me by others. They are right. I will not deny that I talk ALOT nor that I enjoy conversing with almost anyone.

The only problem with being talkative is that people assume they know exactly what you are thinking.Trust me you do not. This does not mean I am particularly close to the people I have conversed with nor does it mean they know me on a personal level nor do I claim to know them.

Please understand when I use know someone. I am not referring to society pushes us to believe knowing someone is. The world wants us to believe that if we know of someone= we know them.

For example  Hair politics a pertinent issue in my pseudo scientific race since the apartheid government created it. An issue imposed on all people of colour. I support the protests. I follow the articles and social media posts. However this does not mean I know the the protest participants. I know of them, I support them , I admire them. However as an individual do I understand these ladies. Who they intrinsically are.

So reverse the scenario. There is a person that somehow enters your world who you do not agree with. A person whose views and lifestyles hit every nerve. Do you dislike them? Or their actions?

Why do people believe they they are entitled to other people personal identities. If I think you are bad then I should want you to feel bad about yourself. THIS.IS.INSANE

People writing essays on the Pretoria girls high protesters work ethics as if they pay their school fees themselves.

There were moments this week. Where things happened that I did not say something. Where I was not brave. I am ashamed at myself. I am ashamed because I allowed myself to feel small. To feel wrong to be belittled by people who had no business speaking negativity into my life.

People claim to know you. People will claim they know what is best. However the opposite is true. They will cut the legs from underneath you. Why?

They have to cut your legs from underneath you: to stop you from standing tall, from rising up and from moving forward.

Allow what is happening to teach you something.

A girl that can start a national movement at thirteen is scary to some people. She has barely started high school imagine what she could do after she actually writes all those exams.

Do not be discouraged allow these women to inspire your work. We can move forward and we are. We can be fearless. We can move the most archaic of mountains. We will thrive. We are capable. No matter who we are. No matter what they say.

Whoever want to forcibly take your crown will not win. Any one who tries to oppress you will not stand. Who cares if you are fifteen or seventy. If they try to stifle you because of your race, gender, age,sexuality or past. They have messed with the wrong people. We are done with what is wrong.

Last month that was idealistic.

However thanks to the Pretoria girls high protesters I am starting to realise that's what they want us to believe.

We have the leaders, we have the people and our causes are right.

Zulaikha Patel your physical crown is as glorious as your metaphorical one

Am I entitled?

 en·ti·tle·ment

inˈtīdlmənt,enˈtīdlmənt/

noun

noun: entitlement; plural noun: entitlements

tthe fact of having a right to something.

"full entitlement to fees and maintenance should be offered"

synonyms:

right, prerogative, claim; More permission, dispensation, privilege "their entitlement to benefits"

• the amount to which a person has a right.

  
  

  "annual leave entitlement"

  
  

  synonyms:

  right, prerogative, claim; More permission, dispensation, privilege "their entitlement to benefits"

• the belief that one is inherently deserving of privileges or special treatment.

  
  

  "no wonder your kids have a sense of entitlement"

I recently went through another traumatic life event. After months of build up, hoping and work. I thought I had my break through. The illusion did not even last a month. I was faced with a difficult decision. A decision between what was right and "everyone does it". I think many people can relate to my ethical dilemma.

To my mother's great credit I  too the "right" road. If I was going to reach my dreams it would be the right way. However the good choice left me with a whole lot of pent up rage and disappointment. Why does the good guy always loose? It seemed so unfair.

My pity party was pushed aside for a few weeks as I had to go into survival mode. All my energy had to go into seeking alternative routes and opportunities with little avail.

I finally broke down this week.

It was at my lowest point where I had this revelation.

Why did I feel exempt from tragedy? Why do I feel entitled to life being easy?

Think about it. Things go wrong for people every single day. People's trains are late and they miss their exams. That person could have studied so effectively that they had the potential to get a distinction. Yet, some external force ruined that opportunity for them.

Some imbecile runs a red light hits a poor pedestrian with a car.The pedestrian could have waited for the robot to turn green: in technical terms done the right thing. That made no difference to the jerk that hit them because they were too reckless to adhere to road laws.

Does this mean we descend into a free for all, because the world is cruel.

NO

I feel a sense of entitlement is the enemy to us leading our best lives.

I feel the essence of entitlement is bitter. It lacks a ownership of our own lives. Circumstances can be bad. However we will always be in control of our decisions. Entitlement can manifest itself in small ways but left unchecked will escalate. I fear nothing like that of the escalation of entitlement in this world.

Take the Brock Turner rape case in the US. As with all abuse, his deep rooted entitlement led to that evil act. In his being, that belief that he deserve her led to his inexcusable actions. The fact that he saw his wants and ultimately himself above all else.

I am not entitled to anything. The world(general population) owes me nothing. That is the truth. Every act of kindness is a gift. A beautiful and rare gift not to be taken for granted. My own father does not owe me the courtesy of raising or providing for me. If he chooses too, I am blessed.

I find myself often realising my entitlement is taking over when I get upset. Someone pushed in front of me in a queue for example. Why do I feel my time takes, such president above others that I become enraged?

Think about it. Think about things that make you angry or upset.
Think about why you feel that way. Does it have a connection with an elevated sense of self? BE HONEST. Let us rather be an honest generation of broken people. People who are honest can learn and heal. Liars remain stagnant.

We as young people have to start checking ourselves. There are too many issues and concerns that need our attention. We can no longer afford the luxury of us spending so much time on OURSELVES. We all want to be victims of our circumstances. I still stand in awe of many victors of their circumstances. The people who are hurt themselves but still tend to others who are hurting.

We can fight each other individually to no end or even real purpose.

Or we can mobilise as a collective.

But being angry and getting mad is easy. I watched a two year old throw a tantrum in the bus depot for flings today. She screamed for forty minutes. I think at some point she must have started crying for reals because that had to hurt her throat. However the crux of the story is: she never got her flings and everyone around her saw right through her pretense.

Forgiving is difficult. I struggle with it too. I sacrificed other opportunities for a company that did not even consider me and how that choice would affect my life. Getting up is difficult. I wasted almost two months of my life on an opportunity that dissolved in seconds. However crying and screaming isn't going to help. It does not warrant respect and it definitely does not take one forward.

We have to keep moving forward.

To the few if any that read this, may I leave you with this:

Decisions are stronger than circumstance.

Sine metu

Sine metu means without fear.

I first stumbled upon this phrase very early in my search my six month internship or rather the whale/mother ship/be-all-end-all. Some may understand the great pressure that exists with establishing yourself in your twenties others may have simply forgotten or never cared.

Sine metu has been an echo in my mind.
At first it was about being brave. About going forth and taking risks in applications. In emailing general managers and inquiring the help of recruiters. I only needed to start working in July of 2016 however I was applying almost a year in advance. I so desperately wanted to go into my third year "sorted".

BUT THEN rejection starts setting in. Stupid amounts of rejection based on the fact that I have yet to complete my qualification. I do not have the permits to work abroad or even the fact that I am not an EU citizen. I'm proficient in different property management systems to the property or they want someone that speaks Mandarin: the list goes on. Pretty soon I felt like a piece of paper. Worse I felt the like the title of my emails. I was not even worth the reading of my cover letter.  My confidence was dependent on being shortlisted. It is not the way to live.

It is at this point reader that I must point out that to be without fear is in fact to have faith. This exercise taught me that mine was weak. 

I find it difficult to explain, but I am sure that most people have felt exactly the same way. We are taught if we work hard it will pay off. I came to a point where I worked so hard for nothing. To put it bluntly I thought I had deluded myself into believing I was running on the open road when in fact I was on a treadmill. I was so incredibly tired for what?

Throughout this time of emotional instability something glorious was actually happening. Unbeknownst to me until recently. It is going to sound super soppy, rainbows and unicorns-esque. However it is true. So profoundly true and obvious that I now understand why society brands it as "lame". We as people overstate our intelligence into believing that the answer has to be difficult or even selective.

I first had to under go an attitude change. I realised despite the world or rather companies and individuals whom I had admired for years excluding and overlooking me. I was actually really loved and respected. This is because of the people surround myself with.

Every time I fell down or had a bad day. They were there not even because I asked because they wanted to.

I believe this is the problem with our generation. We are all desperately searching for some external validation that sometimes we over look real love (not teddy bears or stupid over sexualised relationship memes or selfiefriendships). I am talking about respect , care and understanding. About REAL friendships: the kind of ones that last and grow. We overlook the most rare and incredible miracles of life.

This leads of to the final interpretation of sine metu. The interpretation I currently live in. I am without fear because I am with you. Honestly and truly. I understand and am also understood. When my faith is weak, I have others who offer to believe for me. Those who wait at the top encouraging me to climb.

We climb in darkness towards the light

The moment I let go. Let go of control and my insecurities. Things fell into place. In a brilliant and astounding way. As a prepare for this opportunity. I dedicate the posts over the next few months to the people who inspired this post.