Could this be an existential crisis?

Who am I?
What do I want from life?
Where am I going?

The three pillars of anxiety in a young adults life.  The anxiety stemming from the need to establish oneself in society. To contribute (hopefully) to the community. The through the contribution to find purpose and belonging.

So often we as young people go as far to develop our dreams around the place we seek in society . One often hears students describe their courses as a means to money, authority or position. Their course either elevates them because it is "more difficult" than any other courses. Or the qualification entitles them to a higher pay grade still supposedly making them "better". People find great pride in the sense that when their families speak of them to others it will be: "My son is a [insert something that is impressive]" and the listener/receiver will respond in awe.

When did what we do determine who we are? Why is our personal identity so dependent on external factors?

What do we want from life?How many people are conditioned to want something, then when they are older experience a breakdown in their perception of reality? Only because they realise that their life was in fact not in line with their truth.

A man once told me it would be too difficult for me to become a general manager of a hotel.
"Why?" I barked back visibly insulted.
"Because one day you will meet a boy. Then you won't want to be so independent anymore. You will not want to work hospitality hours anymore because you will want to be with your children."

I think this story illustrates the fact. The fact is that external opinions are often ridiculous and better heard(we must strive to be polite) but not necessarily listened to. I am not saying do not listen to you doctor advise you on your health or disobey your parents. I am saying often we are so unsure in ourselves, that we would listen to anyone or everyone and value their opinion of our lives more than our own.

Your truth is important.

What you want and where you are going are not necessarily synonymous though.

When one reads a story or perhaps watches a movie: what develops the story line?

Action

My favorite book of all time is Matilda by Roald Dahl. It was a gift from my mother for my ninth birthday. Out of all the books that I own it is the most frayed from reading. When Matilda was little more than a toddler, she venture out of her home in search of books. She could have stayed at home where it was safe. Think about it the girl could already read the entire cookbook. However she had to go out, not knowing what was out there to pursue her passion.

What comforts me more is the fact that as intelligent as the heroine was she did not know or seek out the outcomes of her entire story. She honestly took it step by step. When she went to look for the library she did not plan to use her abilities to charm her way to a better life. To liberate an abused women.

No.

Matilda just wanted to read. So she did. Slowly things began to align themselves. Yes she did plan a few missions but not the grander and bigger scheme of things. For that she just had to walk in faith.

Applying this to our own lives, our "adult" lives. Is difficult. If you are like me you love control, you love to plan. Nothing is as important as your daily, weekly, monthly and yearly planners. You need to know if you are behind months in advance.

However let me share this

I realised that we cannot plan our lives with such detail. Tunnel vision in fact limits our lives. If we are too focused we deny ourselves other opportunities.

Consider the already used metaphor for opportunities being doors and how some are shut for good reason. I like to think of some doors to be shinier and more ornate than others. That is why we struggle to let them go. We believe the shut door is the best door because the immediate benefits are larger. So we stand there banging as hard as we can to open it. Thank goodness the universe intervenes and tries to stop us from entering. The universe may even point at the better door the one that leads to a more prosperous route. Unfortunately we often become despondent and refuse to seek out the other option. A more humble door.

However the humble door may lead to far more corridors and other doors than the ornate one. The humble less attractive could provide the means to our dreams. It may not be immediate though. It may be more difficult and sometimes we will experience ridicule by others. Translated in to real life terms it could be something like studying a course that is in line with your heart. Or working at a lower level job to gain the experience before applying to your dream employers.

We do not have to feel so desperate and insecure about our lives that we allow the external factors to determine how we feel . That we dilute our dreams and sacrifice happiness for approval only to later disapprove of ourselves.

We do not have to be limited in our dreaming. There are ways and means for each of us. We just need to try and take it step by step.

The trials we experience today only build our resolve. As we climb the mountain, the harder the wind will push against us. If we are not challenged at the bottom where it is safe to stumble we will surely not survive the heights. We will never learn to hold on.

Sine metu

Sine metu means without fear.

I first stumbled upon this phrase very early in my search my six month internship or rather the whale/mother ship/be-all-end-all. Some may understand the great pressure that exists with establishing yourself in your twenties others may have simply forgotten or never cared.

Sine metu has been an echo in my mind.
At first it was about being brave. About going forth and taking risks in applications. In emailing general managers and inquiring the help of recruiters. I only needed to start working in July of 2016 however I was applying almost a year in advance. I so desperately wanted to go into my third year "sorted".

BUT THEN rejection starts setting in. Stupid amounts of rejection based on the fact that I have yet to complete my qualification. I do not have the permits to work abroad or even the fact that I am not an EU citizen. I'm proficient in different property management systems to the property or they want someone that speaks Mandarin: the list goes on. Pretty soon I felt like a piece of paper. Worse I felt the like the title of my emails. I was not even worth the reading of my cover letter.  My confidence was dependent on being shortlisted. It is not the way to live.

It is at this point reader that I must point out that to be without fear is in fact to have faith. This exercise taught me that mine was weak. 

I find it difficult to explain, but I am sure that most people have felt exactly the same way. We are taught if we work hard it will pay off. I came to a point where I worked so hard for nothing. To put it bluntly I thought I had deluded myself into believing I was running on the open road when in fact I was on a treadmill. I was so incredibly tired for what?

Throughout this time of emotional instability something glorious was actually happening. Unbeknownst to me until recently. It is going to sound super soppy, rainbows and unicorns-esque. However it is true. So profoundly true and obvious that I now understand why society brands it as "lame". We as people overstate our intelligence into believing that the answer has to be difficult or even selective.

I first had to under go an attitude change. I realised despite the world or rather companies and individuals whom I had admired for years excluding and overlooking me. I was actually really loved and respected. This is because of the people surround myself with.

Every time I fell down or had a bad day. They were there not even because I asked because they wanted to.

I believe this is the problem with our generation. We are all desperately searching for some external validation that sometimes we over look real love (not teddy bears or stupid over sexualised relationship memes or selfiefriendships). I am talking about respect , care and understanding. About REAL friendships: the kind of ones that last and grow. We overlook the most rare and incredible miracles of life.

This leads of to the final interpretation of sine metu. The interpretation I currently live in. I am without fear because I am with you. Honestly and truly. I understand and am also understood. When my faith is weak, I have others who offer to believe for me. Those who wait at the top encouraging me to climb.

We climb in darkness towards the light

The moment I let go. Let go of control and my insecurities. Things fell into place. In a brilliant and astounding way. As a prepare for this opportunity. I dedicate the posts over the next few months to the people who inspired this post.